Getting Better

Sometimes it’s great to talk about those who are getting better.

It may feel like you’ve been lost in the woods with all the anxiety that has troubled your past, but now you see an opening where things may seem that bit brighter and lighter.

Getting better is a natural thing, and something we must all be extremely grateful for. It is so hard when facing extreme mental health issues, more specific anxiety, whereby it seems like it’s never going to go away. Sometimes i used to view it as this huge mountain and i was at the bottom of it looking up, thinking how the fuck am i going to climb that. People used to tell me not to view it as a mountain but rather a rock that you have to step over. Easy, stepping over a rock takes one single move, but getting better doesn’t. I found this analogy to be somewhat silly, as I bet no one, including myself could ever imagine their health as just one tiny rock. In fact, it defeats the importance of how you are feeling to view something as small. Getting better doesn’t mean ignoring the mountain and turning it into a rock, it means planning the journey up and the descent down. 

This all may seem too metaphorical but stick with me on this one.

Personally, the way in which I came out the other end of anxious spells, complete burnouts and extreme depressions was by ignoring it until it went away and fighting it telling myself “i must not feel this way”. It worked for a while, whereby I felt like I was controlling myself all the time and putting myself down for having bad thoughts and panic attacks over the smallest things. When I began to feel better I immediately would throw myself back into normal life (well what was my normality), and I felt like I had conquered everything and that I was never going to feel as bad as I did before. Little did I know, this technique was actually making things worse for myself down the line and in fact I would not get better if I carried on like this. I was viewing my problems like a stupid little rock that I could so easily step over. But in actuality they were a mountain.

When falling into a downspell of bad mental health we sometimes beat ourselves up, thinking “why now, when i was so good last month, or last year or last week”. We put so much pressure on ourselves to succeed mentally that we are suppressing the place that needs to be nurtured and loved and listened to.

This is how climbing that mountain can actually better you in the long run. Preparing to climb that mountain that is your own complex mind is scary. It’s accepting that there may be a long assent ahead. Imagine standing at the bottom of Everest and thinking “fuck i gotta climb that motherfucker’. You would say to yourself i can’t do that! But remember it’s not an actual mountain you’re climbing, it’s all in your head. First it’s getting your gear ready. Our gear that we could use to climb our own mental mountains could be opening up to ones you trust, booking to see a therapist or finding the right medication to get you stable mentally. Preparing for healing is scary and it’s the first step of many in getting better. Mapping your recovery seems impossible but it’s about knowing that you have to tackle every different segment at a time and think of it like chunks rather than the whole cake. 

Once you’re on the path of walking up that mental mountain there are going to be scary things that you will have to tackle along the way. There may be road blocks, deep cracks or icey edges. When having the aim of getting better, there are going to be things that you will have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. This doesn’t mean diving in headfirst, it’s more about dipping your toes in slowly at a time until you can acclimatize. For me, it was getting a plane somewhere. I was so scared of public transport and getting a plane on my own freaked me out but I knew it was something I had to do in order to enjoy a holiday. I kept saying to myself “what if i have a panic attack on the plane, I can’t have a panic attack on the plane”. I spent weeks speaking to my therapist about that, when they said to me “but what if you do have a panic attack? What will happen? Will it be the worst thing in the world?” I prepared myself that it could happen, and instead of fighting it which made it seem more scary, I accepted that it might happen and came up with plans if it did. It was scary but I did it, I didn’t actually panic, however I did on the way home and I am still alive. It made me see that even if I panic the world won’t end. I thought of this as the first section of the mountain. For you it could be going to a social gathering with people you don’t know, eating a food that scares you or getting on a bus in rush hour. You have to accept that things may not go according to plan but that’s okay. 

When you have acclimatized and you are now doing things you never thought you could do, everything seems so exciting. The fear subsides and you finally can see the top of the mountain. It may seem like you can finish it easily and that you have one final push. But my advice is to not push it too much. We easily get so distracted being in a good mind set. We take the risks and fill our days up with so much enjoyment that perhaps you weren’t doing before. A couple of years ago I was at the stage of seeing the top of the mountain and instead of taking it slowly I carried on walking without a break. I was doing things that I never thought I could do and didn’t really put much thought into them. I signed a contract at a new job that I didn’t really think through and I moved flats. I thought that all the bad times were behind me and that nothing could stop me. However, this was far from the truth. I still had so much that I needed to work on and take things slowly in order to recover. But I made the mistake of climbing to the top of the mental mountain without resting. 

Resting is the key thing to getting better. Taking time for yourself and looking after yourself. It’s so hard to acknowledge the bad things when life is going so well. We just continue on as if they never existed. We have to push ourselves to take a break from the good life and check in with ourselves and ask “what more work can i do to make myself feel better?” “Is there anything that is still weighing on my mind”. Because I didn’t do this, I fell down the mountain and ended up back at the bottom. And this time the mountain felt bigger and I felt annoyed at myself that I got so far and that I would have to put in all that effort again. 

BUT, there was no reason to be annoyed at myself as that wouldn’t do anything. Being mean to yourself is the worst thing you can do. It almost creates an enemy in your head, making it harder to see what’s actually wrong. This time on my path to getting better I had to learn from my mistakes and actually take it slowly. Now facing the top of the mountain, I take breaks. This may be spending an evening alone, speaking to someone about things that are weighing on your mind, or just 5 minutes where you stop yourself in your tracks and say “what more can i do for myself”. 

Taking your journey to getting better slowly is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself and not to rush. Rushing may actually make it harder to recover in the long run as you aren’t addressing the underlying issues that spur on your anxiety. 

A really amazing thing you can do along your journey of recovering is to keep a journal. Writing down everything that happened in your day, even the most mundane things, and to also summarize how you felt that day, scoring your anxiety on a scale of 1-10. It’s so amazing to be able to look back on these dark days when you’re in a better mindset and see progress. It genuinely is the best feeling in the world. Also you may read previous journal entries and have the answer for your previous self on how to feel better. Having the knowledge down the line is so satisfying. It shows you that the thing you needed was yourself and that now you are the person that is going to heal yourself. Once you reach that area of clarity, things seem less scary and you can be more confident in solving the issues internally rather than relying on others to do it for you. An example of this is where I look at one of my worst days of anxiety and what I do is put my present self into that scenario to go back and help my past self. I ask my past self what I need at that current moment of panic. Knowing the outcome of what happened that day, I have the knowledge that it gets better and that I had the answers all this time. It’s really comforting to know that I don’t need someone else to calm me down, I just need my future self to sit and listen and hold my hand. It almost changes the memory of that scary time and makes it less scary to know that you now weren’t alone in that time. You will always have your future self to help. If you have to make it up when you’re feeling anxious, pretend that your future self knows that things will be okay – because they will be.

Congratulations to all those who are feeling better, be proud of yourself for coming so far. And to those who are beginning their journey, remember there are brighter days ahead and just because you are suffering now doesn’t mean you will suffer forever. It just takes some time and learning to get to the place where you thrive. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!